


In the Beginning Was the Condom

by DrimmsyDra



Category: The A-Team (TV)
Genre: Condoms, Gardens & Gardening, M/M, Massage, Nudity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:54:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23970391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrimmsyDra/pseuds/DrimmsyDra
Summary: After BA was shot in his leg and treated by Dr. Sullivan in Bad Rock, the Team hid in a cabin in the forests of Northern California to give the Big Guy time to recover.But how much is BA affected by Murdock's crazy blood?
Relationships: B. A. Baracus/H. M. "Howling Mad" Murdock
Comments: 11
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I never intended to write anything like this, but I was hit by a sudden vision on the way to work and I had to write it (talking about the very first scene). I didn't know how to continue and the story lay unfinished on my desk for a long time. The moment I accepted my own challenge to write something purely comical, where there would be no dramatic scenes, no war memories, etc. I suddenly knew how to continue. So take it just as a comedy, maybe a parody.  
> And the most important thing - many thanks to Tessa54 for her help. I know it was hard work to fix my poor English. Thank you very much, muchacha.

Templeton Peck's inner alarm system had never been wrong. Trained by war and life on the run, it was tuned very sensitively and was able to rouse a former Green Beret in a second, even from his deepest sleep. And now it was warning him that something was wrong…

Face's rare peaceful sleep was disturbed by his own intrusive, persistent subconscious mind. Knowing he was in a cabin somewhere in the middle of the forests of Northern California and no one could approach them unnoticed thanks to their booby traps, he tried unsuccessfully to dispel the disturbing feeling. Someone was in his bedroom. No, it was worse than that. Someone had invaded his personal space!

Suddenly wide-awake, he opened his eyes trying quickly to focus on the blurred silhouette. It took him only a second to hurl himself to the other side of the bed, as far away as he could get from the shadowy figure standing by his bedside table. He jerked his hand toward the small lamp and the room was immediately flooded with orange light.

"Uh… ummm, Face? Did I wake you?"

"No, I always wake myself up in the middle of the night. I love doing that! Jesus Christ, Murdock, what the hell are you doing in here?"

Face stared in shock at the almost naked pilot. Murdock didn't even bother to blush, even though he was wearing only black-and-white briefs that hardly covered the fact he was aroused. The little piece of clothing looked so tight, Face could almost feel the pain in his own crotch. What the hell did that damn guy intend?

"I'm looking for condoms." Came the sincere reply accompanied by a wide, innocent smile.

"What?"

Ignoring his friend's shock completely, Murdock continued.

"Thought you'd definitely have one. I checked the pockets of your pants but found nothin'. And don't know where your wallet is. The nightstand was the last chance. They're always there, right?"

"WHAT?!"

 _'This must be a crazy dream,'_ Face assured himself. Aroused naked Murdock wandering around his bedroom, searching his clothes and demanding a prophylactic, with which he planned to do what? They were four men in the middle of nowhere, for God's sake!

"Condoms, Face. Such a useful rubber cap. With your reputation as a womanizer, I expected you to know about this little thing. If not, I don't really want to count how many little Faces are already runnin' around the world."

An even wider, very toothy smile this time.

_'This must really be a dream. No chance this is happening.'_

"I know what condoms are!" Face snapped, realizing he wasn't controling himself. He managed to steady himself by running his fingers through his hair and rubbing his forehead, then fixed his eyes patiently on the pilot. Trying to ignore Murdock's near nakedness and his bulging underwear, he asked, "Would you be so kind as to explain to me why you need a condom here?"

Murdock hesitated for a second before shaking his head.

"I can't."

"Oh, you can't...?"

"Nope." Murdock shook his head again. When Face continued staring at him, he threw up his hands innocently. "I'm crazy, you know? I can't always explain what I'm doing and why I need something. I just need it." When he got no reaction, he added. "So do you have one?"

Deciding that he probably had no chance to find out what the hell was going on here, Face sighed and nodded wearily toward the wardrobe. His black leather jacket hung on a hanger on the door.

"Breast pocket. And if you can, leave one there."

"Aww, come on Face. Why would you need a condom out here?"

Murdock didn't thank him, just grinned and waltzed his way to the wardrobe. He dug into the breast pocket and pulled out a small package. Face glared at him in disbelief.

"And what exactly do YOU want to DO with them, huh?!"

Murdock moved back towards him, dancing gracefully on the wooden floor. Face felt goosebumps rising on his skin as he watched the undressed pilot floating through the air as smoothly as if he weren't human.

When Murdock bent down towards him, Face inadvertently pulled away, automatically pulling the blanket to his chest. The Texan's lasting erection was too close for comfort.

"Trade secret, Faceman," Murdock said secretively and leaned even closer with a conspiratorial expression. His hairy chest keeping the door, the easiest escape route, out of sight, convinced Face that he didn't want to know anything else. Well, Murdock just needed condoms. Whether he wanted to make balloons from them for an imaginary soiree of forest fairies or just raincoats for local squirrels, Face didn't care. Let him take the whole package. He could also have the one from Face's wallet, hidden inside his jacket in the wardrobe.

_'Hell, he can take the whole wardrobe if he wants but God, please... get him out of my bedroom.'_

"Okay." Face breathed softly, hating his shaking voice. "Take what you need and go away."

"Thank you, muchacho. I owe you one!" Another wide grin, and then Murdock planted a wet, loud kiss on Face's cheek. Face shuddered involuntarily.

"You owe me three," he murmured, relieved to see the naked crazy man leave. He wasn't sure he could sleep again tonight, but perhaps if he locked his room up, he could fall into a doze.

He listened carefully for a minute to make sure that Murdock was really leaving, then dived out of bed and hurried to the door, taking care to double-lock it. Just to be sure.

***

_About two hours earlier_

BA grunted, scratching his wounded leg. It didn't hurt as much as in the first days when the sedatives had left his bloodstream. But it was starting to itch badly. And the tiny stitches that Dr. Sullivan had made so precisely had turned into miniature clips stretching his skin to rupture point. Or so it seemed to him.

Scratching the most irritating spot through his pajamas again BA took a sip of warm milk. He couldn't sleep. Most people would surely say it was because of the gunshot wound. He knew better. Had faced worse than a hole in his thigh in his life. Though he had to admit to himself that the first day was Hell on Earth. No, BA knew, however, that wasn't the problem stealing his sleep. It must have been Murdock's blood. That damn crazy juice had circulated in his veins; changing him right in front of his eyes.

The first day he spoke in rhymes. The next day there was a silly song stuck in his head and BA had no idea where he had heard it, and of course, he couldn't get rid of it. The third day there was a strong urge to talk constantly. On the fourth day he couldn't stay alone for a minute and the fifth day he was mad because everyone was coming into his room every half hour and he wanted to be alone. Then he lost track of what was wrong with him, and that upset him the most. When he no longer realized his own madness, he was really nuts!

BA slammed his right fist against his left palm to ease his frustration. He had been relaxing too long, he needed to do something. Maybe he'd adjust the brakes of his van tomorrow. He ain't no cripple, could work already.

BA finished his milk and fiddled with an empty glass. Should he drink one more or try to sleep? The silver moonlight glistened on the edge of the glass. He glanced automatically out the window, staring at the bright, perfectly round full moon. As if it was luring him to go out. He could almost feel the energy that was spreading from somewhere in his lower abdomen, threatening to break out in a loud roar.

"Crazy fool and his crazy blood!" He thundered instead, slamming his fist on the table. "I ain't gonna yell at no moon."

Definitely time to sleep. But before he could get up from the table, he heard a muffled long howl. Could the wolves be so close to their cabin?

_'Nah, they're miles away. That sound carries a long way, it's just misleading.'_

He reached for the empty glass intending to put it in the sink, when the howling resounded once more, this time considerably closer. To his own displeasure, BA noticed that he got goosebumps on his arms. He didn't like wolves. Actually, he didn't like any wild animals. It was impossible to read their mind in their eyes and it was frustrating not to know what they were going to do. And he didn't like the idea of killing them if they attacked him. To punch a man or shoot an enemy during war was easy. Those people might have been fools, but it was their choice, their fault when he punched them. For animals it was different. He didn't want to fight with animals.

Another long-drawn howl, really close now. BA put the glass in the sink so violently that it was a miracle it didn't break, and started limping to his room. But he hadn't even walked five steps when a scraping came from the entry, then a bang, and before he could turn to check if their cabin was locked, the door swung open. For a few seconds, BA was sure he would start screaming. Then he identified a skinny figure in the strange, silver moonlight.

"You crazy fool!" He snapped in relief, but couldn't say anything more.

"Wahoo, Big Guy! It's a wonderful night out there! All those trees all around, the stars and the moon… you just don't see this in the city!"

"And a crazyman that screams under the windows. Go to bed before you rouse the others and then everything will be a mess!"

BA staggered as he turned around sharply, but Murdock was already there, willing to support him. He pushed him away, but the pilot didn't give up. He circled the Sergeant in a single smooth move and clung to him on the right side. BA growled, but surrendered. The leg still hurt, and shifting most of his weight to someone else wasn't such a bad idea.

"You can't sleep?" Murdock asked, his voice worried and serious for once.

"Do I look like I'm sleeping, man?"

"Does your leg hurt?"

"No. My head hurts. From your jabbering."

"Aww, don't be so negative, BA. You know what? I will put you to bed, wrap you up like a little caterpillar, and I guarantee you will fall asleep before you know it."

"I ain't no insect!"

"That's good for ya, dear. You could wake up like a butterfly in the morning and I don't know what you would do if you did with your aversion to flying," Murdock grinned, and when BA swung his free hand at him, he let go of the big man and jumped through the open door into the Sergeant's bedroom. BA, who had suddenly lost his support, started to wobble, but managed to follow Murdock with a silent growl. The pilot closed the door behind them and rushed to the bed, where he began to smooth the sheet and shake the pillows up like mad.

"Sir," he turned to frowning BA, "your royal bed is ready. You just need to relax. Sit down, please." Murdock gestured him to sit down on the bed.

BA puckered his brow.

"Will relax when you get outta my room, fool."

"No. You need your muscles to relax, BA. As you reduce the load on one leg and overload the other, your back locks up. You can fall asleep in this state only if I hit you with a brick wall. Even that might not be enough, though," he said, remembering the last time they had tried to force BA into a plane. Hannibal broke a massive wooden plank against his head, but the bulky man continued to fight. It may have been rotten wood, of course, but they had to break two more before that living rock finally hit the deck.

BA looked at him with an unmistakable threat in his eyes, but the pilot raised his hands slightly to prove he wasn't holding anything, not even a single brick.

The bed creaked softly as he settled on it. Murdock leapt to him immediately, his hands on the Sergeant's shoulders. BA unwittingly pulled away, but the pilot's long fingers gripped his arms and didn't let go. He growled; not because of the touch, but Murdock's chest was too close, almost rubbing against his nose.

"Yeah, you're right," Murdock shook his head, "too uncomfortable. Sit with your back to me and wait a minute, I'll be back in a second."

Before BA could say a word, Murdock was gone. He should get up and lock the door. Maybe even barricade it with a chair, just in case. Then he would be okay for the rest of the night. On the other hand, if the fool was really good at something, it was giving a massage. He had learned the art as a teenager when his grandfather had suffered from back pain, and had been successfully massaging their strained muscles since 'Nam. After all, a little care couldn't hurt him now.

BA turned his back to the door, waiting.

He didn't hear Murdock coming back and almost punched him when the pilot's fingers touched his shoulders again.

"Hold on, Big Guy, it's me." Murdock grabbed BA's wrist and pressed his arm back down safely.

"Never sneak up on me like that, fool."

"I thought you were waiting for me," Murdock said with a wide grin and added, "Take off your pajamas."

"What?!" The Sergeant thundered threateningly, but Murdock just giggled, tugging at the top of his nightclothes.

"Your shirt. I can't give you a proper massage over the fabric."

BA snorted, but did as he was asked. Then a pungent, mint smell hit his nose.

"What's this?"

"Mentha arvensis," Murdock declaimed with the passion of a longtime expert. "Relieves muscle stiffness and pain."

"Smells like cough syrup or somethin'."

"Of course. For the ignorant, it's commonly called field mint or corn mint and it has many uses in medicine. Not only will it help you with your back pain, it will also clean your air passages. Just relax a little and let me work, will ya?"

Despite trusting Murdock this time, it took fifteen minutes to force his tensed muscles to ease. Long and slender fingers, however, worked their way stubbornly through the stiff neck, muscle by muscle, nerve by nerve, and BA slowly gave in. The fresh, mint smell was attacking his nostrils, and although it was too strong for his taste, it wasn't exactly unpleasant. Actually, it was good. Refreshing. The smell cleaned his mind burdened with worry and anger. He felt the suppressed resentment slowly leave him. All that rage at Faceman who indirectly caused his injury. And Hannibal for not getting him someone else's blood. Not to mention Murdock and his crazy juice that had made his brain the same crazed mess that the fool had. And finally he was angry at himself for being so cranky while others cared for him. All of this was leaving him now.

He found himself almost greedily breathing the essential vapors as Murdock rubbed and kneaded his strong shoulders. Suddenly, he felt goose bumps rising on his arms when he realized the pilot's head was so close to his neck that he could feel Murdock's breath on his skin. It was warm. Maybe too warm. And it sounded heavy, almost hoarse.

BA licked his lips nervously. His own breathing rhythm had changed. He was supposed to be relaxed, shouldn't breathe so quickly. Too rapid, too shallow… his muscles began to tense and stiffen again.

"Murdock." His voice rang out in the silent, suddenly stifling dark. "Stop it. Wanna go to sleep."

"No. I'm not done yet."

"But I am," BA said, turning sharply, grabbing Murdock by both wrists. The silvery moonlight entering the room through the narrow strip between the curtains was reflected in the pilot's deep, dark eyes, giving them almost a ghostly glow. They were so big and so close… the mint aroma tickling his nose was mixed with the sweet scent of the Juicy Fruit Murdock always had stuffed in his pockets.

They stared at each other for a few seconds before BA pulled the pilot close, released one of his wrists, and grabbed his neck instead. Murdock's eyes widened. Maybe from fear that the Sergeant was going to strangle him, and this time neither Hannibal nor Face was there to stop it. But it might be just surprise at the unexpected movement. And maybe… maybe that was…

BA pulled the pilot's head closer until their lips met.

 _'What the hell am I doin'?'_ The frantic thought flew through his mind.

The pilot didn't defy him. He just opened his mouth in surprise, filled BA's with fruity sweetness. BA's tongue was curious to meet that taste. Hesitantly and slowly at first; but he never did anything hesitantly and slowly. Not for too long. And Murdock still didn't fight back. He was… responding.

Finding their position too uncomfortable, BA pulled Murdock down on the bed, pressing him into the mattress. Another screaming thought rushed through his mind, telling him that this was too absurd, forbidden, crazy. That he was nuts as Murdock. He quickly chased the thought away, refusing to admit the possible truth. Refused to even think about it. Thinking was too tiring. Too complicated. Too scary. Because this was their pilot, the crazy fool! And he had his blood in his veins! He had…

Yet, BA tried to pull back. Murdock, however, bit BA's lips gently, demanding his full attention. With the thought that the crazyman might take the initiative, the big Sergeant buried his fingers in Murdock's overgrown hair and pulled it. Apparently a little stronger than he had intended, because the man under him squeaked out.

"What the heck are you doin' to me," BA hissed into his face.

"Nothing more than you do to me," the unexpected reply came huskily.

"To you?! What the f..." he stopped himself. Didn't want to talk like that. "What was in that shit you used on me?" Fuck! He did talk like that.

BA pressed him into the mattress even more until a loud groan broke out. Had he hurt him? But there was a devilish smile on the pilot's face.

"You worried I drugged you? Honey, I don't need to do that. I know you want me anyway."

"Yeah, I want you. Want to throttle you, man," the Sergeant hissed, knowing that damn fool had hit the nail on the head. He didn't get it. Didn't understand what was happening to him, nor how Murdock knew it. But he really wanted him. He wasn't sure if he always had. If he wanted him an hour ago. Apparently not. Not consciously. But it was true now, he wanted Murdock. And he had no idea what to do about it. Maybe he should beat the shit out of the fool and knock him out of his room. Then it all would be okay. But even if he had to… no. He couldn't punch him, couldn't throw him out. And he knew it. The crazyman knew that, the smug smile hidden in his eyes revealed it. He was laughing inside, BA could tell that. No one could laugh at him!

"Okay, if ya think I want ya, then I really want ya!"

BA sat down astride him, tearing off his colourful T-shirt with a single jerk. And the fool just kept grinning. He bent down, pressed his lips hard against Murdock's.

Murdock bit him again, more forcefully this time. BA growled disapprovingly into Murdock's mouth. Despite his bad attitude and quick-tempered behavior, he wasn't an aggressive lover. Never with women. And with men… he had been with a man only once. Yeah, maybe he was a little more dominant then, but he never did anything to hurt his partner. If he had feelings for someone, then… did he have feelings for Murdock?

No. He had to be all messed up in his head. Murdock's crazy blood; that crap rubbed on his back; the full moon outside… or it was all just a stupid dream.

Murdock freed himself from their kiss, fixed his big eyes on him, and asked with a slight innocent smile, "Is that a gun in your pajama pants or are you just glad to see me?"

"Shut up, fool!" BA silenced another possible provocation right at the beginning by filling Murdock's mouth with his tongue and immediately felt the pilot's long, talented fingers on his back. They were no longer carefully kneading muscle by muscle, but digging into his skin and making him moan as he tried to gasp through their joined lips. But when they slipped under his pajama pants, he snarled and raised himself up to shake off those groping hands.

"Get your hands off my ass, sucka!"

"C'mon Big Guy, if you wanna continue what we're doin', it won't work through the clothes."

"We ain't doin' nothin'!"

"Oh, really? Weeeell… the one below doesn't think so."

And there were those long fingers again, but in his lap this time, touching his…

BA groaned loudly. Despite the fabric, the touch ran through his body sharply like a knife; through the lower abdomen, up the spine, through the hips and down to the toes.

Murdock's smile faded, replaced by a deep concentration, his eyes locked on the striking bulge protruding in the Sergeant's pants. He had seen BA naked countless times; he knew exactly what to imagine. But to be so close, to have a chance to touch him, really feel the little (little? No way!) member of his muscular friend in his hands… if he hadn't already been crazy for a long time, that would probably have driven him right into the nuthouse.

His own cock jerked desperately inside the tight confines of his khakis. The weight of BA's body, multiplied by the fact that the Big Guy was pressing him even harder into the mattress thanks to his teasing, was almost unbearable. He twisted his hips beneath that muscular body as much as he could to rub at least against the Sergeant's ass. With what was not exactly a growl of approval, BA lifted himself up, which Murdock immediately took advantage of, pulling the Sergeant's pants down a bit.

Before BA could respond and fend off the attack of those hard-to-shake-off hands, Murdock's fingers wrapped around his cock, and made him moan loudly. All thoughts had flown out of his head. Only one of the most primitive needs remained, urgently attacked his self-control and demanded fulfillment. He gasped as one of those hands slipped between his legs and grasped his balls. The other was sliding back and forth in a regular rhythm, pushing him closer to the top. He trembled in anticipation of an upcoming climax, but suddenly both hands stopped working.

BA growled sullenly, opened his eyes and looked down. He met big hungry eyes.

"That's not exactly what I planned for our first time," Murdock said in a low, unusually deep, voice.

"What the hell are you talkin' about?"

"Do you know how many times I played this scene in my mind? How long I have wanted you? How much I–"

"I don't wanna know!" BA pulled away. Two contradictory balanced feelings fought inside him. He really didn't want to know more. Just sitting here on Murdock was frustrating. And the knowledge that Murdock had been planning it for a long time… but an unmanageable need was nagging every nerve of his body and his painfully hard cock was twitching in an attempt to attract attention.

Murdock saw BA's inner struggle. His fingers began gently circling on the big man's lower abdomen, pushing him to make the right decision. BA groaned. It sounded somewhat desperate. The pilot, still lying under the massive body, wriggled free and rolled swiftly onto his stomach. He lifted his hips slightly, rubbing himself against BA's crotch. Another groan was heard, but the hint of despair had vanished. Feeling the big guy lift up, Murdock pressed his ass into BA's lap, moving it slowly in a circle.

With a speed that no one would expect from a man the size of a tank, a hand came under Murdock's chest and lifted him up. The pilot pressed his back to BA, purring as the hot breath tickled his neck. Strong fingers tore the button off his khakis, then pulled down the zipper so violently that it was partially ripped out of the seams.

"Where's that fuckin' oil?"

Murdock suddenly felt the hot cock rub against his bare lower back and he bent his head backwards with a long groan.

"We can't use that," he said, shaking his head against BA's shoulder. "It would burn like hell." Remembering the moment when, after rubbing his stiff neck with that oil, he had run his still-wet hand over his stomach and had then been rolling in the blankets for twenty minutes in a desperate attempt to extinguish the icy fire burning his sensitive skin, he was sure he didn't want to experience this again. Certainly not in even more sensitive parts of his anatomy. "Gimme a minute, I'll get something."

Reluctantly BA rose and let the slim body slip off the bed. Then, somewhere in the dark, there was a hissed curse as the pilot stepped on one of the legs of his pants and almost fell. Without thinking, he shook off his pants, heading for the door.

"And bring a rubber," BA said before Murdock reached for the handle.

The pilot froze with outstretched hand. "A rubber?"

"You know, man. Rubber. I ain't gonna do it without protection."

"Umm, BA," Murdock turned to him with a raised eyebrow. "I may disappoint you a little, but even if you want to you can't get me pregnant. I kinda don't have the equipment."

"You stupid fool! That's not why I want one."

"So why? You got my blood already. You know I'm healthy."

"You ain't healthy, you're nuts! Don't wanna any of your crazy juices, not again!"

"But–"

"I never do it without protection, man. Woman or man, no matter. Promised my momma I would be careful. So I will, even if your ass is made of gold."

"If my ass was made of gold, you'd have worn it a long time ago," Murdock put in with a smirk. Before a flying pillow could hit him, he opened the door and slid into the hallway. After a few seconds, he stuck his head back into the room. "Okay, I'll find something."

But where? He hadn't needed condoms for so long that he didn't bother carrying them with him. Especially, he wouldn't bring them here, to the deep forest, to a cabin with a bunch of friends. Who would take condoms to a place like that?

 _'Face!'_ The thought immediately flashed through his head. _'Face would carry them with him even into his coffin. Just in case.'_

Fearing that BA might change his mind, Murdock headed quickly across the short hallway into Face's room.


	2. Chapter 2

Face grunted annoyed as he searched all the shelves in the fridge for the third time.

"Problem, kid?" Hannibal asked without looking up from his soft-boiled egg. He carefully peeled off the tiny shells from its tip and shook them from his fingers to the plate. Their chef seemed to have overslept today. Hannibal wasn't really surprised, but they had to cope with breakfast themselves. It wasn't such a big problem to him, but their good-looking Lieutenant, who didn't recognize a cooking spoon from a whisk, apparently struggled with this unusual situation.

"Do you know where the margarine is?" Face surfaced from the fridge, staring at a loaf of bread lying on the kitchen counter, disgruntled.

"I have no idea. I wouldn't touch that stuff with a barge-pole," Hannibal replied. He could understand the Lieutenant's effort to eat as healthy as he could when they weren't on a mission. They usually had time to eat only junkfood, so it was good to have salmon instead of burgers, stir fried vegetables instead of French fries and salad instead of onion rings. But spoiling breakfast, the most important meal of the day as his grandmother used to say, by some weird substance spread on crispy toast when he could have delicious creamy butter didn't really make sense to him. "You're the only one who eats that stuff. So wherever you put it yesterday, that's where it must be now."

"Great. Just great," Face grimaced, putting two slices of bread into the toaster. Instead of a proper breakfast he was going to eat dry toast. If Murdock didn't roam naked God knows where all night, he would have been awake as usual at 0600, and Face would probably be enjoying whole grain pancakes, oat waffles, or at least scrambled eggs with freshly chopped vegetables. Murdock loved making breakfast for them. The opportunity to cook his own meal and feed the rest of the Team was like a holiday for the pilot who was locked most of the time in a psychiatric ward. They even didn't give him a normal fork in the VA, let alone let him cook.

Face shuddered at the thought that he would ever have to eat most of his meals only using a plastic spoon. The idea of plastic equipment reminded him of the reason why the pilot was sneaking around his room at night. Face wasn't sure if he wanted to ask about his friend's overnight adventure.

Reconciled to his fate, he threw the toast onto a plate and sat down in his seat at the dining table. He hesitated as Hannibal automatically pushed the butter plate towards him. Not that he didn't like its taste, but should he add another animal product to his diet and spoil his effort for a healthier lifestyle? Wasn't it enough that he had to eat white bread because they had run out of the whole grain one, and he expected Murdock to prepare something proper as usual? But did he really want to eat dry toast?

Face reached out for the knife and buried it in the butter with a muttering growl.

***

_A few hours earlier_

"Margarine?!" BA snapped as Murdock pressed a pack into his hand and he could read Blue Bonnet on it in the waning moonlight.

"I wanted to take the olive oil, but I need it for a salad tomorrow," the pilot shrugged apologetically.

"Don't wanna do it with this crap," BA threw the pack of margarine on the nightstand. Maybe he should really have locked himself in the room and not let the fool in. He could helped himself with his 'little' problem, and then gone to sleep in five minutes. But Murdock had awakened something in him that couldn't be comforted by his own hand alone. Thinking about it frightened him, but he wasn't willing to let it go. He wanted it. Whatever it was.

"Well, either we use this, or there is gun cleaning oil in your van. And honestly, Big Guy, even if you have a nice gun down there," Murdock nodded toward the Sergeant's crotch where his venerable shaft still towered proudly to the sky, "I don't think you want to use that."

Murdock swiftly dodged the fist flying toward his face, and before BA could try to punch him again, he grabbed his arm and pressed it against the bulge on his briefs. "I think there are better things you could do with this hand. Why you don't stop trying to kill me and instead of that…" He left the sentence unfinished, guiding BA's strong fingers to the edge of his underwear.

BA grunted. Murdock's cock jerked eagerly under the black cloth, and BA's responded equally passionately. He freed his hand from the pilot's grip and pulled him closer. In a few seconds the black-and-white briefs flew through the dark room and landed somewhere on the dresser.

Murdock raised on his elbows, looking at the sleeping BA in the dim light of dawn. The amazing muscular man had a major flaw and it was snoring. He really snored awfully.

The pilot had fallen asleep after an exhausting night with his head on the Sergeant's chest, but he was quickly awakened by deafening snoring.

He tried to poke him. Then shook BA's shoulder, whispering some soothing words, but the big guy just grunted and snored on. So he tried to turn him on his side, but couldn't move him a inch. Giving up, Murdock watched BA lovingly for a while, saving every detail in his memory before climbing out of bed and sneaking out of the room into the hallway.

Maybe it would be better like that. BA would probably need some time to get used to the new situation. Because Murdock was going to make every effort to get more than just one night. He knew since 'Nam that the Sergeant didn't mind men's company. Not that Murdock was snooping around, but it was impossible for someone so receptive not to notice, even though BA was skilfully hiding his short affair. He had never seen him with a man back in the States. It didn't mean anything, though. He couldn't see much beyond the hospital walls. But what he saw was that BA was watching. And not only that. He scolded him. Threatened him. Fought with him. Murdock was sure it was all just an excuse to get closer to him, touch him. Very well disguised, of course. But Murdock knew.

He was close to the door to his bedroom when a dark silhouette emerged from the room across from him. A little firefly shimmering at the end of a freshly lit cigar glowed in the morning gloom. Murdock gave a shriek of fear.

"Colonel," he hissed, "I just nearly jumped out of my skin."

Hannibal took a searching look, remarking, "That wouldn't be so difficult, since you're not wearing anything."

"Oh!" The pilot seemed to realize his nakedness only now and hurriedly, and without thinking, he covered his hairy chest with his hands. His lower, more intimate parts remained exposed.

"Does your nudity have any logical explanation, or I should worry that the howling under my window at night means you are a werewolf?"

"Werewolf? Oh no, Colonel, no no," Murdock shook his head vehemently. "But today is World Naked Gardening Day."

"Uh… what?" Hannibal raised an eyebrow.

"It's a nice event, you know. All about nature, about being part of it. Become close to plants as much as possible, sympathize with them, connect with them, encourage them to grow. And it's very healthy. It refreshes your body and spirit. And it also help you to be honest with who you are as a human and as part of this planet."

"Uh-huh," Hannibal nodded, puffing heavily at his cigar. He didn't look too convinced. "Would you mind if I didn't join you? After all… I don't consider myself a gardener." He hurriedly touched the robe draped over his blue pajamas.

"You don't have to be a gardener, Colonel," Murdock said ready for another motivational lecture. Then he noticed Hannibal's hand pulling his loose bathrobe closer to his body and nodded.

"Sure, I understand. Not everyone has the gift of being a devoted peasant."

Hannibal held out his hand, hesitated for a second before putting it on the naked man's shoulder. In acknowledgement, he squeezed it.

"What would we do without you, Murdock," he said solemnly.

The pilot lifted his head proudly. Then he said, "Now excuse me, please. I have to go check on my seeds before I sow."

Hannibal choked on his cigar smoke over Murdock's serious statement, pulling his hand away quickly.

"Of course," he murmured with tears in his eyes, trying to stop the cough coming from his lungs attacked by smoke. Murdock opened the door of his bedroom with visible pride and gracefully marched inside. Hannibal, unable to hold the air within for a second longer, began to cough heavily.


	3. Chapter 3

Remembering what he had said to Hannibal at dawn, Murdock left his room completely naked after a few hours of sleep. He had his sneakers and his only currently clean pair of pants in BA's bedroom anyway.

Face was sipping his second morning coffee when Murdock's naked figure appeared in the kitchen doorway. The Lieutenant's eyes widened at first, and after that he almost drowned in his mug. Murdock, who might not have noticed the surprise and embarrassment of one of his friends, headed to the fridge with utmost seriousness. Hannibal checked if their Lieutenant bubbling in his coffee wasn't starting to turn blue and when he decided there was no need to worry, he waited curiously to see what the present situation would bring.

"Murdock," Face started cautiously as he coughed out the last drops of coffee from his lungs, "are you aware you're naked?"

"Sure," the pilot replied, without looking up from the refrigerator in which he was probably searching for the center of the universe.

"Face, don't you know it's World Naked Gardening Day today?" Hannibal said, trying to sound serious.

"What?"

"Your ignorance is excusable given that you brought me fern instead of parsley once," Murdock said, making Face wrinkle his forehead thoughtfully. Was that a manifestation of understanding or sarcasm?

"I had no idea you were taking your occasional digging in the dirt so seriously," the conman posed. He had seen Murdock on a seedbed only once, when the Team was hired by a small gardening company. It was true that the native Texan had grown up on a farm, but Murdock had never mentioned ever planting or harvesting anything. As far as Face remembered, his grandparents had only kept hens, turkeys, and a goat.

"I suppose that was why you appeared naked in my bedroom in the middle of the night, huh?"

Hannibal raised an eyebrow with a slight smile, but Face muted his silent inquiry with a grimace. Murdock finally stopped taking nearly a dozen eggs one by one from the shelf, reached for a family pack of bacon and closed the fridge with his arms covered with goose bumps.

"I was planting eggplants," came the austere answer, as if it were the most natural thing a man could do at 2 a.m.

"And you couldn't wait for that until the morning?" Face asked, trying to ignore the view of Murdock's exposed buttocks as the pilot bent down to take the pan from the cabinet under the sink.

"Of course not," the pilot turned to face him, his expression so outraged that the Lieutenant cowered slightly. "It's too hot during the day. Before the seed of such a sensitive plant could settle in the soil, the poor baby would be completely dried out. There are ideal conditions at night, you know."

"What about the condoms and the…" Face stopped himself at the last second; mentioning the pilot's erection would probably not be the wisest thing; Hannibal's eyebrows were already raised to dizzying heights. Just a half inch and they would leave his forehead. After all, Murdock was crazy. An eggplant planting might have excited someone like him. Face made a mental note that he must never take Murdock to the botanical garden. "What did you need them for?" he quickly changed the question.

"The irrigation system," Murdock replied.

"The irrigation… what?"

"Well, you just take a condom and then…" Murdock began to explain patiently, but at the same time BA appeared in the kitchen. His little overgrown mohawk was disheveled, like a flower bed in a windstorm, and he seemed to need at least two or three more hours of sleep. His still swollen eyes fell on naked Murdock, and the pilot immediately stopped talking. He could feel the Sergeant's gaze, surprisingly clear and sharp as BA's mind was suddenly awake. A chill ran down Murdock's spine. "Morning, Big Guy," he trilled, holding up a carton of milk. "You want milk? It's already at room temperature."

But BA turned on his heel and started down the hallway back to his bedroom. Murdock watched him for a moment, then shrugged and turned his attention back to the milk in his hand. "Maybe later," he said to himself or to the half-empty carton, raising it to his mouth and taking a quick sip.

"How many times have I told you not to do that? Do you know how unhygienic it is?" Face admonished him. "Can't you take a glass?"

"Sorry, Face." Murdock humbly set the carton of milk on the kitchen counter. Turning his back to them he reached into the shelf for a clean glass. But most of them were still in the sink from yesterday. Obviously, whoever was on duty forgot to wash the dishes. So he had to reach out to get the one from the very back of the top shelf. For better balance he leaned his bare hips against the kitchen unit. Face whined as he saw it and hid his face in his hands. Hannibal laughed. World Naked Gardening Day was turning out to be fun.

***

Faithful to the day he had invented, and in which he had begun to believe, Murdock went out of the pantry with a handful of seeds and grains. The mixture consisted mainly of sunflower seeds, but he had also found unpeeled peas, a small number of dried corn grains and a few shabby rye ears, which were probably once used as decoration.

He came out into the sunny day wearing only his baseball cap on his head. Looking around the cabin, he thought about the best location for a new, and the only, garden bed in this place. He examined every square yard in detail, but was still not satisfied.

'No. Not here. And definitely not there… maybe… oh… yes, over there! That spot under the tall trees. Yep, the branches will shield the plants from direct sunlight, while keeping the water nicely there.'

With a snow shovel and rake that he found in a small shed attached to the cabin, Murdock started out by cultivating his tiny field.

He was just raking the dug soil when Face came to disturb him in his hard work.

"Murdock? I'm going to town with Hannibal. Do you need anything special? Hannibal said he'd like a steak for dinner. So I don't know, should I buy some mushrooms?"

"Steaks and mushrooms?" Murdock lifted his head, pulled his cap off with one hand and wiped sweat from his forehead with the other. "Sure. And bring some fresh vegetables, especially tomatoes. BA likes them, so let's stuff the Big Guy with something healthy for once. Oh, and get some corn cobs, will ya?" Thinking for a moment, he ran his hand through his sweaty hair and added a few more items to Face's list. "And condoms. A lot of condoms," he finally said with a wide grin. Face rolled his eyes but abstained from commenting and noted the last item. "And if you can," the pilot added with less certainty, "try to find a larger size."

"What?"

"Well, those of yours don't fi… uh… are not the most suitable. I need larger!"

"For the irrigation system?" Face needed to make sure.

"For the irrigation system, yes," the pilot confirmed firmly. "What will the plants do when I'm not here? They need a large water supply."

"Uh-huh. Tell me, Murdock, why are you doing this? You know you won't be able to reap what you are planting."

"Oh Facey, that's not the point," Murdock shook his head slightly with an indulgent expression. "You don't always have to reap what you sowed. No, let me finish," Murdock stopped Face as he saw the con man opening his mouth to protest. "Have you ever thought of doing something for someone else? Just for free, get nothing in return?"

"No, that never occurred to me when I risked my neck for people who didn't even pay for our help," Face pulled a face at him, clearly ironic.

"It warms your heart, doesn't it?"

"It does. I have heartburn anytime I try to pay all the taxes I need."

"Aww, c'mon, Face. Who are you trying to fool? You don't pay taxes."

"What about insurance, huh? I have to pay for my Vette. And what about value added tax, did you think about that?"

Murdock just shrugged. "I am a mentally disturbed patient living in a psychiatric hospital. The government pays for me. I want to repay my debt."

"By planting eggplants in the middle of the forest?"

"And sunflowers and peas."

"Sure, why not," Face mumbled, his voice saying 'Why am I still surprised? This is Murdock, right?' "Just be careful not to get sunburned," he warned then, pointing to the pilot's pale, nearly unhealthy looking skin. _Do they allow him to go to the VA's garden at all? He looks like he lives locked in a cellar._ Face thought.

"My Texan blood is hotter than the sun itself!" Murdock said, sticking out his hairy chest proudly. His dark cover of hair contrasted sharply with the pasty skin beneath it.

Hesitantly, Face nodded to encourage the pilot to do his gardening work.


	4. Chapter 4

Murdock wiped his sweaty forehead with his hand and entered the pleasant cool of the cabin. His bare, mud-smeared feet left noticeable footprints behind him.

He walked to the fridge, but stopped before opening it. Face would be upset if he touched the furnishings with his dirty hands. He moved to the sink then, scraped most of the mud off over the still unwashed dishes, and then washed his hands quickly.

_This is better_ , he thought to himself. _Faceman can't say a word._

He reached into the fridge for apple juice and drank it right out of the carton. "What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over," he muttered under his breath, putting the carton back into place. The half-empty pack of pre-sliced cheese caught his attention. His growling stomach told him he should do away with the rest of the pack. Taking a couple of other things out of the fridge Murdock started to make sandwiches. The unmistakable clatter of gold chains disturbed him before he could finish his work.

"World Naked Gardening Day?" BA growled, but his voice was unusually amused.

"Yeah," Murdock nodded, turning to him. "You haven't heard about this day?"

"I don't care for no flowers," BA said indifferently, but his eyes were moving with interest across Murdock's naked body. Lightly he licked his lips.

Murdock smirked knowing that the Sergeant's interest wasn't aroused by his prepared sandwiches. "How about taking care of the gardener?"

BA grunted, but checked the clock hanging on the wall by the door. He seemed to be considering the time it would take for Face and Hannibal to get to the shop in the town and back. Given that it was slightly past noon and they couldn't expect any culinary activity from Murdock today - apparently they wouldn't even want it if he refused to get dressed - they would stop for lunch somewhere. That gave them nearly two hours.

"Okay. One ride," he nodded, taking two steps toward Murdock.

"Just one? Now that you roused the storm in me, you want to lower the boom?"

"Storm in you?" BA thundered, reaching for him. Murdock dodged swiftly, tried to charm him with an innocent smile. It was hard to resist. "We only have one rubber anyway," he said more conciliately.

"We'd have two if you didn't shoot one behind the closet."

"That stupid thing broke!"

" 'cause you were in a hurry!"

"Cuz you were yellin' at me!"

" 'cause I wanted you!"

BA's hand, ready to grab the pilot's throat, stopped. There was no argument for this.

"But don't worry, Big Guy," Murdock grinned triumphantly. "I told Faceman to buy us a suitable package."

"You did what?!" BA was horrified at the thought of what that nutcase had said to the Lieutenant. He himself had trouble accepting the fact that he was suddenly sleeping with their crazy fool. Let alone jabbering about it in front of the others.

"You have nothing to worry about, sweetheart. I told him I needed them for a garden irrigation system. If I think about it, it could actually work. I just have to figure out how to prevent all the water from leaking out at once. You know, make a water skin out of it that drains water very slowly. If each plant had one full condom at the roots, it could–"

Surprised, Murdock widened his eyes as BA pulled him close and pressed his mouth to his lips. The confused pilot tried to resist at first, but when the Sergeant's teeth bit intransigently into his lower lip, he gave in. This actually was a more pleasant way to interrupt his jabbering than all of the throttling and threats that BA had applied before. Yes, much more pleasant.

When BA's strong hands positioned him on the kitchen counter, he decided that it was the most pleasant way it could be. Without breaking their kiss, he reached under himself searching for a slice of ham that had stuck to his skin. He peeled it off his thigh, then ignored everything around him except BA's limbs.

***

Face, his chin raised to see over a large paper bag filled with groceries, reached for the handle and when he managed to open the door, he entered the cabin. Then he cursed softly as his gaze took in the floor. The dirty footprints of bare feet screamed at him from the light wood.

Face followed the muddy track toward the kitchen and this time the view took his breath away. The room looked as if a tornado had passed through. Face looked incredulously around the kitchen.

On and around the kitchen counter were scattered slices of bread, cheese and ham, all unevenly covered with torn lettuce and sliced cucumber. A white liquid lazily dripped onto the floor forming a small pool; Face identified it as milk spilled from an overturned carton. Another, slightly thicker white stain on the floor belonged to mayonnaise, judging by the jar lying beside it. The small spice rack had been pulled off the wall, the spice jars rolling freely in all directions. Except for one. It had shattered and released its platoon of green peppercorns into the open world. There were shards of varying size on the ground and considering the amount, Face estimated it to be two plates and a mug. One chair was missing from the dinner table. No, he corrected himself, it was there but broken to pieces beneath the table.

"Can you move your ass somewhere else, Lieutenant?" An impatient voice came from behind him.

Hannibal, another large shopping bag in his hands, tried to walk past him. Face turned to him with his mouth agape, speechless from shock. The Colonel frowned and looked over Face's shoulder. Glancing at the mess around them, he dropped the bag to the ground and reached into his jacket for his weapon. "Check the cabin, I'll look outside," he ordered.

"Uhm Hannibal, it's clear as day that this is work of those two and we will probably find Murdock strangled somewhere."

"Yeah," Hannibal nodded, but he headed toward the door. "You can't be too careful, kid."

Face muttered something, but put down his bag and pulled his gun out of his shoulder holster. He walked cautiously into the hallway. The door to Murdock's bedroom was wide open and the room was empty. Face peered into his and Hannibal's bedrooms but found nothing, just as he expected. But, despite the closed door, he could hear a loud snoring from BA's room.

Face automatically put the safety catch on and opened the door a crack, peeking inside silently.

The curtains were closed making the room dark in the sunny day. Yet Face saw everything he needed to see. BA lay sprawled on his stomach, snoring powerfully into a pillow, apparently choked by the weight of his own body, and besides his ankles covered by the blanket, he was naked.

_Murdock has caused an epidemic here_ , Face thought and was about to close the door when something moved under BA's leg. Face narrowed his eyes, squinting into the gloom. Had he really seen a white foot peeking out of that dark mass?

Thinking that he might have gotten sunstroke and was seeing things, Face took a few steps to the bed. He froze as BA unexpectedly grunted and turned his head to the other side. The suspicious limb disappeared. Had it been there at all? His doubts were interrupted by a disheveled head that suddenly emerged above BA's shoulder. Face's eyes widened in disbelief.

Brown eyes looked at him sleepily, then a pale body lifted behind the dark snoring figure and its owner gently covered his lips with a finger.

"Shhh, don't wake him up. He didn't sleep much last night," Murdock whispered.

For a few seconds, Face stared unable to move in any way, then finally caught his breath and opened his mouth. He really couldn't go through this without a word. But Murdock shook his head vigorously, pressing his index finger against his lips again and pointed toward the door. Obediently, Face turned, leaving the bedroom silently.

As soon as Face closed the door behind him, he leaned against the wall with his right hand resting on his stomach and slumped to his knees. He really needed to control his breathing.


	5. Chapter 5

Face paced agitatedly across the living room while Hannibal sat on the couch, watching him with a slightly amused expression. Murdock, still in Adam's robe, entered the room.

"Um, Murdock," Hannibal said as he saw Face freeze, "would it be too much to ask you to finally get dressed?"

"I guess not," Murdock shrugged almost indifferently, then smirked. "But it's very comfortable. And it's healthy too by the way, did you know?"

"Sure. And vegetables are healthy too," Face grimaced. He fished an extra large pack of XXL condoms out of his pocket and threw it at the pilot. "So you'll probably need your eggplant irrigation system, won't you?"

Murdock grinned even more. "Yeah. One nice eggplant has grown already."

Hannibal almost bit his cigar in two as he tried to hold back laughter. To keep his face serious, he took the cigar out of his mouth and pointed it at the pilot.

"I don't want to hear anything about your gardening, Captain. Now Face and I will go back to the town to have dinner there. Meanwhile, you and your… umm, you and the Sergeant clean up the kitchen. If we find the same mess there when we get back, you and all of your vegetables will run around without clothes until you shake all of the ants out of your pants. Understand?"

"How could we do that when we don't have pan-" Murdock went silent, stopped by Hannibal's threatening look. "Roger that, Colonel," he added then, saluting ostentatiously.

"Hannibal," Face said uncertainly, before turning the key in the ignition of BA's van. "You really want to leave those two here alone? You saw what they did in the kitchen. The cabin might not exist anymore when we get back."

"Come on, kid. What damage can a pilot with an eggplant do?"

Face rolled his eyes at the Colonel's toothy grin, started the engine and headed up the driveway.

"Hey fool!" The voice came from somewhere in the back of the hallway. "Are they gone yet?"

"They disappeared like steam over a pot. We have the whole cabin to ourselves for the next few hours, Big Guy!"

Murdock appeared in the doorway of BA's room with a wild smile. He raised his hand triumphantly, waving a large colorful pack in the air. "Does my eggplant need irrigating?"

"Shut up fool and come over here!"

Murdock kicked the door shut behind him and with a loud howl flung himself into BA's bed.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this fanfic is based on the fact that in the beginning there were really condoms. A sudden vision of Murdock creeping through Face's bedroom, looking for... what? I wondered what Murdock might be looking for in Face's room in the middle of the night, nearly naked. The only thing I could think of were condoms. Then all I had to do was figure out why he needed them, and that created this little parody. If you managed to get here, thank you for reading. It was fun to write it, even though it's not my normal slash vision.
> 
> World Naked Gardening Day really exists, it was founded and organized by Mark Storey (consulting editor for Nude & Natural magazine) and permaculturalist Jacob Gabriel, as a project of Body Freedom Collaborative.  
> The first annual World Naked Gardening Day took place on September 10, 2005. In 2007, the event date was moved to the first Saturday in May. It was May 2 this year, the day I added the first chapter of this story. It's clear that Murdock could have no idea about this special day in 1983. But we all know that Murdock often knows things he can't know, so why not World Naked Gardening Day?  
> BTW, there is also International Condom Day. It was created by the AIDS Healthcare Foundation and it's celebrated each year on February 13th.
> 
> And last but not least, thanks again to Tessa54 for her help.


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